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I'm Not SHY!


The other day, stop me if I've blogged about this before - but the other day my husband was arguing with me about the fact that he didn't think I was introverted.  I've kind of always thought of myself as pretty introverted.....he was all like "well you are a photographer, and you go meet people all the time and talk to them, you're not shy at all....".......I am not a young doe ya'll....I am in fact a seasoned woman with lots and lots of experience living in my own skin...and I've learned a thing or two about talking to people, and trying to appear some what normal...though I don't often success - just ask the people I photography hahaha....

So what does introverted mean?  Well according to google it means: shy, reserved, withdrawn, reticent, different, retiring, quiet, introspective, inward-looking, self-absorbed, contemplative, thoughtful, meditative, reflective......well hell that's me in a nut shell, minus the self-absorbed part - right?  I'm not, right?  Well, maybe a little...

After careful and thoughtful thinking, and talking....I was able to get a "well maybe you are a little introverted" out of him....what I am hoping is-it will help him realize why I refused to do some things, or complain about having to do some things, mainly social things - not not limited to that.

It's not that I would just rather be at home all the time, it's that I would rather just be around my small circle or alone most of the time.  I enjoy being alone.  I don't want to live on an island alone or be totally isolated but I do enjoy the time I get to myself, and I long for it.  I long for the quiet, time I can reflect and just do whatever the hell I want to do.

Ahhh.....ain't it great?


with love, Lela
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Life is Flying


At my age, should I be sitting around (figuratively speaking) thinking about all the things I've missed out on and maybe how I didn't live up to my potential?  Isn't this something you start to think of in the Winter of your life, not the Fall?  I have been feeling rather depressed lately about so many things.......like
  • should I have gone to college
  • should I apply for another job, so I move up the chain
  • why didn't I go to the elementary school to have lunch with Weston when he asked me so many times, for the sake of not waiting to ask for the time off work
  • why did I yell at my kids and make them feel like shit for bringing home a bad grade or a report card that wasn't great
  • Did I ever have a flat stomach
  • Should I have closed my photography business down..
the list goes on and on.....

I miss so much about my kids, I miss them so much (Teresa & Gavin).  I wish they lived closer, so I could visit with them & get to know them as adults.  Talk to them more, why don't I call them more-why don't I like talking on the phone!?  Can't I just do it for them?

I look at pictures of them, and I just want to go back in time.  Be a softer mother, and maybe not so strict.  Maybe have not been so selfish for my quiet time, and let there be more ciaos (I have still not learned to live without my quiet time).

I want to be a better version of myself.  Am I already that, does that change every day regardless.  I just don't know.

I want to buy a house, get a new car...enjoy finer things in life.  I feel like I am on a wheel, like a hamster in a cage getting absolutely no place.  There is never enough money, never enough time - but then I don't change that either.

I get to retire in five years.  Is that when my life really starts?  Or have I already missed it.  I don't understand why I am so sad and creeped out lately about death.  Why am I even thinking about it?  Is that normal?

I just don't know the answer to these questions, and everything seem so random and hard to grasp for me these days.  I cannot even go grocery shopping without loosing my train of thought if I am with the other kids.  I snap at them, they get offended.  Is it me, is it them?  What can I do?

Maybe I need a vacation.  Maybe I need to meditate.  Maybe I just need a knock in the head.  
with love, Lela
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Can I have a FREE Tattoo Please?


I just have to rant for a second, I was going to post it on facebook - but alas, I don't think some people on my friends list would appreciate it since I am certain they've done what I am about to complain about before....and would really just either take offence or try to argue with me and I am not really into that right this moment.

So, Facebook - it has all these Word of Mouth pages, and I am on a few from my town, and towns around me.  Every day people are posting needing to buy things, and people are giving recommendations.  The one thing that I found that is a trend with these pages (and maybe it's the age group of individuals that are likely on these pages) is that people are seeking something for nothing.  For example, here are a few from the past few weeks - taken from different pages:

  • "looking for a house to rent with 3 bedrooms at least 2 baths, need to bring my 6 dogs, fenced yard, would love to have a pool for $500 or less"
  • "looking for a tattoo artist for cheap"
  • "need a family photographer to do 2 family session at a reasonable price or free (you could use as as models).
  • "I need a good paying job, don't have much experience"
  • "Looking for a free kitten, preferably male"
  • "Anyone giving away free sessions this fall"
I could go on and on.....but it basically is just a bunch of shit - people wanting something for nothing.  People want a good wage, a fare wage, I get that.  I want a fare wage too, and I own a small business.  I want to be paid a fare wage too, that is reasonable.  What is a reasonable price for photography?  I have noticed that most people who accept free and seek out free, are not so willing to do the same in return.  I have done countless free sessions for friends to just turn around and have to pay top dollar for their services.  What comes around, in this day in age, doesn't go around.  And I should probably stop giving away my services for free-that is true.  I don't to change my behavior because someone else isn't as generous as me.  I just wish I could get on facebook and not see people pandering and begging for shit for free or cheap & just shell out what a product is worth.

Maybe I expect to much from my peers.  That is on me I guess.

Rant over.
with love, Lela
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I'm Tired


I am tired.  We all hear that phrase a lot don't we?  "Good morning, how are you?" "Tired, how about yourself?", "I am pretty tried myself, thanks for asking".....which is the small talk of the office.

I feel like I wake up tired and go to bed tired.  I look tired, I feel tired and I behave tired.

I am also tired of things.  I am tired of how this society is treating each other (and thinking it's okay), I am tired of my children always messing up our house, I am tired that I get so pissed at them for messing up (and not cleaning up) our house.  I am tired of the weather here in Florida, the relentless heat and rain, the horrible storms & terrifying hurricanes and I am certainly tired of the bugs (mainly spiders).

I am tired of being jealous of certain people.  I am tired of wanting things I can't have.  I am tired of people making promises and then breaking them.  I am tired of feeling alone, I am tired of feeling like I am never alone (figure that one out would ya).  I am tired of not being able to give my children everything they want (and need at times) but financially and emotionally.

I am tired of my oldest kids living so far away from me.  I am tired of not having enough time with my family.  I am tired of missing out on things I should be present for, both physically and emotionally.  I am tired of missing the old days.  I am tired of thinking of when I'll have old people days.  I am tired of thinking about dying.  I am tired of thinking about taxes, bills, grocery shopping and what I should be cooking for dinner.  I am tired of family and friends, who should give a shit but don't.  I am tired of being one of those people as well.

I am tired of feeling like an outsider.  I am tired of being a weirdo.  I am tired of being fat and having parts of my body ache that I feel is directly associated with that.  I am tired of being to tired to work out, and tired of being to lazy to work out (if we're being honest).  I am tired of not giving a shit.  I am tired of giving to much of a shit.

I am tired of never being satisfied with myself, or the people around me.  I am tired of being so fucking impatient.  I am tired of being someone who jumps to conclusions, because I am tired of being hurt.  I am kind of tired of being so forgiving, and definitely tired of not being 100% forgiving enough to some people.

I am tired of wishing people would do the right thing.  I am tired of my long commute to work.  I am tired of all the shitty drivers that are on the roads during my long commute to work.  I am tired of the shitty parking at my work.  I am tired of shopping at Walmart.  I am tired of there not being a Trader Joe's in my hometown.  I am tired of over priced haircuts and milk.  I am tired of coffee not being free, hell I am tired of wine not being free.

I am tired of writing this blog post.

I am so tired, but mostly I am tired of being do damn tired.
with love, Lela
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RBF


Better known as "Resting Bitch Face"
I'll just leave you with this image, and that thought!
with love, Lela
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