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You're Amazing




Despite what you think you went through in your past, look how amazing you are now.

Just a small reminder to stop looking at your past.  Remember that your memories are based on a much younger less wise self, someone who believed in magic, Santa Clause & Unicorns.  Everything is never as it seems - and we often grow into adults with a false memory or two.

xoxo, Lela
with love, Lela
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Oscar


[Photo Credit to Oscar's Mom: Teresa]

Little "Osky" as his mom nicknamed him is growing and growing.  Hard to believe that he'll be here in just four short months.  I have plans to visit the little family at the end of September-beginning of October.  Still working out all those details.  I sure am looking forward to meeting this little guy, named after my Grandfather, Oscar Haug - a great man!  His middle name, Allen, is also a family name, named after her paternal Grandfather, Allen Soncrant.  Allen was not really her paternal at all, he was in fact her step-grandfather by blood - but he treated Teresa from the day she was born, like his own flesh and blood.  Both of these fantastic gentlemen have already left us on earth.  But they leave behind a group of people who have a better understanding of real love, high morals and gentle hearts.

I can't tell you how much I love this little guy already - it breaks my heart to think about how he'll be growing up across the country from me and how I can't be there for him as a grandmother like I always dreamed of being.  I know how my grandparents must have felt with their daughter, my beautiful mother, moving away from IL to put roots down in the south....I guess we'll do the best we can to spend as much time together as possible.

On a side note, how cute are these blocks Grandma & Grandma Johnson got little Osky?  If you want to know where I bought them, message me & I'll hook you up.

Until next time,
xoxo, Lela
with love, Lela
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Shopping | POSHMARK


Has anyone else tried out Poshmark?  If you have not tried it out, please sign up under me and you'll get FREE $$$ to spend on your first purchase...I will get free money too!  So double the bonus.  Okay, so what is Poshmark?  It's an app (you can use the website/computer too) where you can buy new and used items from people all over the country (I buy USA only).  You can sell your stuff too.  It's kind of like ebay, but better.  SO far, I give it an A- or 9 out of 10 stars.  What could make it 10, IDK, maybe cheaper shipping (though that is all on the seller).

What I love about it?

Well, if you're like me - you find items you're totally in love with and you wear it often and for a while once you really find that one thing....but by the time it's worn out - they no longer sell it in the stores.  Soooo you can find it on POSHMARK, because someone out there didn't love it as much as you and it sat in their closet & now they are selling it at a reduced price but it still has the freaking tags on it.  I speak from experience when I say this....it's awesome!  I have replaced several key loved items in my closet this way already!  Score!

I also have sold a few items on there, though that isn't really my thing.  I find giving my stuff away for free makes me feel happier-if I could only get those girls to come pick up their loot though (I a not naming names Telisha and Melanie) woops I just did!  Sorry guys lol!  But seriously, come get your cool shit!  And if not, sign up on Poshmark so I can get some free cashola!

Here is just a few items I am waiting on right now.....brands like Torrid, Love on a Hanger & Lucky (pics are from sellers)





HERE YA GO FUTURE POSHERS!

Hi!

I love Poshmark, the #1 app to buy and sell fashion, and know you will love it too! Make money and shop over 5,000 brands at up to 70% off. It's fun and easy - I promise!


Sign up with code WITHLOVELELA to get $5 off your first order.

- Lela
with love, Lela
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What's your best?


We are all humans.and every day we wake up and try to do the best we can for the people in our lives.  We have regrets years later for not being kinder, not doing enough, or wondering if you didn't do your best....but we do don't we?

Every day, we learn and we grow.  I am not the same person I was when I was when I was a child, a teenager, a young adult or yesterday.  I have learned so much and I have learned that I do not know everything.  I learned that I have a lot to learn, still.

When you grow up and move out, start your own family-you look back on your childhood, you look at the mistakes YOU think your parents made and you vow to do better by your own children.  This is something I have done, yet I don't tell my parents that....I would never want to hurt their feelings or think they didn't do the best they could for me - because at that time, they did and I know that now that I am an adult.

I know that my own child feels the same way, wanting to do different then me as a mother, and I wish her luck.  The only advice I have to give her is you'll do the best you can, at the time you're doing it.  And every day is a fresh start.  I told her my regrets, that I wish I would have taken off work more for field trips and read two books instead of one.  You cannot get those moments back, though I thought I was being a good employee and provider - so again, I was doing the best I could at the time, with what I knew about life.

I am tired of being judged by who I used to be.  I am tired of being reminded of what someone thought of me or thinks of me over and over again based on who I used to be when I was a young woman.  I am tired of not having the same respect that I try to give others and if I do get fed up and remind them of their mistakes, getting my head chewed off for it.  I am tired of being quiet about how I feel or what I think because when I do speak or say what I think or how I feel, or just talk about myself at all it goes dark and turns into an exhausting conversation where I feel like I have to defend myself or just not speak anymore - out of pure frustration because I am not really being heard or understood.  And then the excuses for the bad behavior...I am tired of it.  I am trying to remember what I said before-we are all human & we all are doing the best we can.  They are doing the best they can to.  But it can be exhausting if you can't move forward.


with love, Lela
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Bitch



So today, I saw a text message that my son X sent to his girlfriend.  The conversation went like this:

him: my step mom said you're really pretty and she wanted me to tell you she said that.
her: aww that is so sweet, she seems really sweet, I love your family
him: I love my family to and I don't know why she was being sweet because my step mom is a bitch tbh
her: she seems sweet to me, why are you so judgemental

It goes on a bit from there but nothing said again about me being a bitch, just him talking about himself and how he loves being judgmental.

This child was brought into my life when he was just three years old, almost four.  His dad and I dated for a year and then he moved into a home with me when his father and I decided to live together.  So from the time he was almost five years old I've been his care giver.  His father, worked nights and his mom traveled with her husband at the time.  I didn't mind it, except it was hard work because he was brought up differently then my boys were being brought up.  I was left alone at night, every night with a child that wasn't mine from a man I wasn't married to knowing little about him or his personality.  Over the year I learned more about him, learned what things he did that irritated me and tried to train him and guild him more towards my own morals and my own personal thoughts on how children should act.

I am not saying that Billy or Shelly didn't believe these things, or think I was wrong in my way of raising at all - but it was evident to me that X lacked a lot of social skills and emotional skills I thought he should have that would help him be a kinder more thoughtful human being.

We had our issues, and I punished him along the way for them.  He would do selfish things, and lie about pointless things.  I was a constant in his ear.  If he was doing something wrong, I was catching him, talking to him about it or punishing him for it.  Even when his dad eventually was home with us in the evening after years of working nights - it was still left to me to be the discipline person and the hard ass.  Not to mention he didn't really pay attention to the things he'd do wrong and it was always sort of left to me to keep him in line until I was at my breaking point and then he'd step in and punish him.

When we first got together, one of the complains he had about X's mom was that she always left the discipline up to him and how he'd come home from a hard days work to the drama of the kids needing to be put back into their place.  I never wanted him to feel that way and I am a controlling person by nature so I would have just handled it anyway.  But this also really did become an issue between X and I obviously.

I didn't give birth to this child, so when he was born I didn't even know him.  I didn't love him when I first met him, I didn't even know if I would like him because of how spoiled and entitled he acted.  I had thought about asking Billy and X to move out several times during that first year because of how hard it was on me and honestly, how hard it was on G & W.  They had to suffer through a lot of things as well - but they are troopers.

I did make a choice to love him however and made a choice to stick it out with his father.  We have been together for about 11 years now living in the same home.  So that is a long time to love and care for a child that isn't even yours, to spend your time on him, your money and often doing these things is taking away from time and money I could have used on my own biological children.  But I did it.  I am still the main person in our house that has to get onto him, and so I do see why he'd think I am a bitch from time to time and I don't honestly totally blame him for thinking that or saying that.  His dad needs to step up to the plate and start taking control of his behavior and giving me a break.  Now having said that, I sure hope I can let go of that control lol!

All of this stems from something else, the message about him calling me a bitch wasn't really what prompted him even getting in trouble...and I didn't find it his mom did and she told me before she sent it to me, that she was afraid it would hurt my feelings.  When I read it, at first I laughed because I can be a bitch and for him, he's been getting bitched at a lot lately and to be honest I expected him to have said something more hateful then that - so I was pleasantly surprised it was only "bitch".  Shelly was not amused and neither was his dad and I stepped back and allowed them to dole out the punishment for the stuff I am not mentioning and for that.

While they were talking to him about it, he told them that he feels that I get onto him in a harsher manner then I do W when W does the same thing (talking back, or doing a bad job on the dishes).  And to him, that probably does appear that way.  He and I have not had a conversation about how he feels about me getting onto him, he's never brought it up to me and I have never brought it up to him.  If he did I would explain to him why it seems that way and maybe he'd understand a little better.  Maybe he wouldn't because of his selfish nature and how he just doesn't think he really ever does anything wrong - we are just all assholes for catching him - not him being an asshole for doing the things wrong in the first place.  I rarely do things impulsive.  I normally think things through in advance.  I get onto him as hard as I can until I see some remorse.  The thing he doesn't understand is that W breaks easier than he does.  W will feel remorse or see the error of his ways pretty quickly.  X doesn't and probably never sees it-so I keep going until he does to some extent which is probably just out of defeat not so much actually feeling bad or having some sort of understanding of why he was in trouble in the first place.  And I may be harsher with him because Billy is harsher to W and I do it to even out the odds-IDK.  I will evaluate what he said and really think about it so when and if he does talk to me I can give him some positive feed back and not just blow him off like his feelings do not matter - because they do to me.

But how do you have the hard conversation with Billy about it if that is the case?  He isn't always open to criticism about his step parenting.  I guess none of us are, but I do try to be a little more open minded because I realize that we have a big impact on these kids that are not biologically linked to us.

Anyway, I just wanted to get these words down-my thoughts and feelings before another stressful situation!
with love, Lela
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