Mama take me to Mama

Sunday morning, while snuggling with Olivia she asked me "why don't you ever take me to visit Alicia?".  A question I didn't expect at this moment, but knew would eventually come in some form.  I didn't really know how to answer-so I referred it to her father-she asked him the same question "why doesn't mama ever take me, because I want her to".  He said "because she doesn't want to!" and as I shot him a dirty look he just said "well it's true".....and it is true.  I don't want to, but that is just what the truth is boiled down to - not the full truth.  And the version he tells makes me look like the bad guy.  But how do you tell a four year old the real truth?  It's not like she will understand the complex nature of our relationship.  But if he tells her this and Alicia tells her something different, suddenly I am the bad guy who is being difficult.  But I truly believe deep in my heart and soul that I deserve better then that.  I never want props for what I've done, I just wanted my story to not go unnoticed-just in case it could help someone.  I have sheltered people with my real feelings and thoughts and I have masked my own for years in the hopes that we could make this easy for Olivia.  I feel like I have given up enough-do I really have to give up my reasons for certain things I choose not to do?  It's not like it wouldn't be easier - for him.  But don't I already make things easy for him and for her?  How much more do they want from me?

I talked to Billy about it later and he was just pissed off.  I can't talk to him about the situation, because of his own guilt I suppose.  But what can we say to the little lady that she can understand?  How can we tell her why we do certain things the way we do them?  I really need advice on this, advice from someone not emotionally involved.....

xoxo, Lela

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